The Couch Saga

a humbling journey of resilience

As I wrote in my last post, Mikey and I moved to a bigger space. Excited to be out of a studio apartment and into an actual house, the first thing I wanted to get was a comfy couch. Little did I know it would be such a harrowing journey of resilience and patience.

I humbly present to you:

The Couch Saga

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Part 1: Introduction

Once upon a time, there was a super cool and hot married couple called Ashlee and Mikey. Ashlee and Mikey had recently moved to a 2 bedroom cottage. A big change from their little studio apartment before. Excited to have a living room that wasn’t also a bedroom and an office, Ashlee was determined to find the perfect couch. No longer would their friends have to awkwardly stand or sit on the floor or her bed while they hung out. This was very important to Ashlee and Mikey because they have so many friends and are very popular. It was decided, before they get anything else they need for the cottage, they are getting a couch first.

Part 2: The Search

Although Ashlee and Mikey live near too many furniture stores for some reason (a topic of many of Mikey’s rants), they are too poor to buy a brand new couch, so they went online to Facebook Marketplace instead.

Facebook Marketplace had a plethora of couch contenders. They searched and searched, sending each other different options. Many were too big, too small, too ugly, too far. After a few inquiries, their couch was found. A lovely, comfy, sea-foam green 3 seater. Only $100 and 7 minutes away. Perfect.

Part 3: The Preparation

Ashlee messaged the seller, letting them know she was interested and available to pick up right away. You see, when it comes to Facebook Marketplace, you have to be kind of desperate. You have to come in with urgency. IM INTERESTED AND CAN PICK UP ASAP. Maybe not all caps, you don’t need to shout, but letting them know that you are literally down whenever just say the word. After a few messages determining a time that worked for both buyer and seller (7pm), Mikey and Ashlee decided it would probably be a good idea to measure the truck first, just in case. The kind seller had already put the dimensions in the description. You think this would be the norm if you are trying to sell a large piece of furniture, however, after spending many a time on Facebook Marketplace, this is absolutely not the case. How do you expect one to know if they want to buy the piece of furniture if they don’t even know if it will fit in their space?? Ridiculous. Anyway, Mikey and Ashlee went outside with their handy dandy measuring tape and determined the couch would indeed fit in the truck, with just the butt of the couch hanging out the back. They decided this would be okay as they were picking up locally, only 7 minutes away. Mikey found some rope and bungee cord to use to tie down the couch to the truck. Feeling prepared and excited, they headed over to pick up their new couch.

Part 4: The Purchase

They arrived at the scene. The seller met them out front. She began to take Ashlee and Mikey out back, insisting that she indeed was not an axe murderer and thought going this way would be better cuz there wouldn’t be any stairs to deal with. This made Ashlee laugh. It is funny to meet strangers and then they have to convince you they are not a murderer. Would a murderer do this as well? To assimilate better? Ashlee would ask her friends this but she is not friends with any murderers. Anyway, they went out to the back of the house and through the sliding glass door and right before their very eyes, the newest member of the family, Couch. Ashlee tested the product beforehand. She wanted to make sure it was indeed, a comfy couch. If it wasn’t comfy, she didn’t want it. Luckily it was. And so Ashlee and Mikey carried the couch out of the house toward the truck, with the help of their giant muscles. The seller was very impressed with this. She wasn’t able to help them carry the couch because she had a bad back. Mikey did not believe her. Ashlee did. Once the couch was brought over to the truck, they set it down on the pavement, although Ashlee and Mikey are incredibly strong with their giant muscles, they still are human and needed to take a break and determine the best way to get the couch into the vehicle. Ashlee paid the seller, happy to hear that the seller would donate the money to Minneapolis and their fight against ICE. A new couch AND a donation to a good cause!

Part 5: The Securing

Once the transaction was complete, the seller went back into her house, leaving Mikey and Ashlee to get the couch in the truck and to their new home. They shoved the couch cushions in the cab of the truck, grabbed the rope and bungee cord, and were ready to get the couch secure in the vehicle. Using their giant muscles, they lifted the couch in the truck bed and slid it as far as it would go. Now was the hard part: figuring out how the heck they are going to tie down the truck. Mikey worked with the bungee cord and Ashlee with the rope. Ashlee liked using the rope. She felt like a pirate, wrapping the rope around some hook thing she found in the truck bed. The rope was bright yellow and incredibly long. It took a while to find the end of it and each time she had to get alllllll the rope around the hook before she could continue wrapping it. It is important to note that there was absolutely no method to how they were doing this. Mikey was on the ground, getting the bungee secure around the couch butt, and Ashlee was crouched in between the couch and the truck, working with the rope. She wrapped it around two hooks and tied some knots. Mikey was very impressed with his wife’s rope skills. He was very attracted to her. Ashlee crawled out of the truck and the two of them took a moment to appreciate their work. It’ll do.

Part 6: The Drive

The drive home was slow and quiet. Radio off and little talking, they had to listen if the couch decided their rope and bungee work was not up to par. Silence. They pulled up to their house and parked. Now for the hard part.

Part 7: The Preparation 2.0

Mikey and Ashlee got out of the truck and made a plan. First they would have to move anything in the house that was where they wanted the couch to go, out of the way. Then they would bring the cushions in. Last, they would do the couch, figuring out a good pathway. The couple got to their front door and paused, each waiting for the other to get out their keys to unlock the door. Ashlee didn’t bring her keys because Mikey drove. Her logic was that if you have your car key, you typically have your house key on the same key ring. Unfortunately for them, Mikey has like 4 different sets of keys. This drives Ashlee absolutely bananas. Every god damn day it’s “where are my keys?” even though she continues to nag him to just put all his keys on one key ring. So, Mikey had his set of car keys, but not his set of house keys. Great. They are locked out of their home on the second day of their lease.

Part 8: The Break In

Ashlee refused to ask their landlord if he had a spare key. They would figure this out on their own. Mikey checked the backdoor, also locked. At least they are good at keeping their house secure! Next, they tried to pry the front windows open. The old windows wouldn’t budge. Ashlee remembered (Mikey claims he was the one to remind them of this but we choose to #believewomen) that she had opened one of the windows earlier. Luckily, this window is right above where their trash bins are. Ashlee climbed onto the trash bins, climbed the fence and reached the window, which was covered with a screen. It was old and ratty. Ashlee pried it off the window, slowly at first, and then ripped it off. Day 2 of the lease and they have already damaged the property. Off to a fabulous start! She manages to nudge the window open and breaks into her own home. Sliding in through the window head first and catching herself with their dining room chair, she makes it to the door and unlocks it. Absolutely incredible work by Ashlee, she is a true warrior. But they still have a giant couch to get in the house.

Part 9: Trial and Error

In order to best tell this tale, the layout of the front of the home should be explained. The new home has a lovely porch, perfect for sitting outside and enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning. This porch has beams across it, like a railing. There is also a roof to protect from weather. Wonderful features of a porch really, though not the best for trying to shove a couch into your doorway. Mikey and Ashlee had no idea their fabulous porch would cause any kind of issues. They thought the hardest part was over. Yeah they will have to carry the couch and do some maneuvering but it’s nothing they can’t handle. They have giant muscles, remember? So they picked up the couch and started bringing it up the steps and to the front of the door. At this point, the couch is parallel to the house. Mikey and Ashlee will need to move the couch so it is perpendicular and can get through the door. As all of this is happening there is a lot of communication back and forth between the couple. Can you move it more this way? I don’t have a good grip. You got it? I can’t get it any further. Et cetera. The couch was bumping up against the front walls of the house, bumping against the porch. They couldn’t figure out how to get the couch at the right angle to get it through the door because the porch railing was blocking it. After about 20 minutes of trial and error, Mikey and Ashlee decided to try a different way. They brought the couch back down to the sidewalk. Mikey thought maybe if they bring the couch over the railing from the sidewalk, they would be able to get it through the door. Ashlee was skeptical but willing. So Ashlee fed Mikey the couch and he lifted his arms straight up, hoisting the couch above his head (giant muscles), and onto the railing. Once it was supported by the railing, Ashlee ran up to shove it through the door. Except it still wouldn’t fit. As Mikey and Ashlee pondered how the hell to get this couch in, the couch sat on the railing like a teeter-totter. They laughed, wondering if any neighbors were watching them struggle. The couple kept trying. Determined to get their beautiful couch into their home. It seemed no matter how they angled it, something would be in the way. Either it would be too wide for the doorway, hit the roof, or not be able to get past the railing. Ashlee was getting sick and tired of lifting the couch. The couch was getting scuffed and she was scared they were going to damage the property (again). Although Mikey was still ready to keep trying, wanting to maybe try to get it in through the back door instead, he could tell Ashlee had had enough. In fact, Ashlee hated the couch at this point. She was DONE. It was 8pm on a Sunday. She should be winding down and prepping for the work day. It was only $100 and the money was being donated anyway. She told Mikey if he wanted to keep trying with some buddies tomorrow while she was at work, that’s just fine, but she didn’t want to have to lift the god damn couch again. So they brought it back to the curb in defeat.

RIP

Part 10: Coping

The couple walked back into their couchless home. They were met with the cushions that were awaiting their frame, mocking them. Mikey set the cushions up, like the couch would be, scoffing. Like what we don’t even need that stupid couch, we have everything we need right here! Ashlee laughed, having ended up with exactly what she didn’t want, a frameless couch. They sat on their cushions for a few minutes, baffled at what they had just gone through. They moved outside to sit on the dreaded couch and enjoy the clear night air, refusing to let the couch defeat them.

Part 11: The Resolution

The next day, Ashlee left for work, passing the couch on her way. She was hoping someone had taken it in the middle of the night so she wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. She went to work and told her coworkers about her wild Sunday night. After work, she walked home. As she approached her house, she saw her husband and landlord doing something to the porch. They had removed some of the railing in order to get the couch in and were putting it back together. She walked inside and was welcomed with her beautiful, sea-foam green couch. And so she sat. And Mikey joined her.

The End :)